On being an Expat

I must admit I've been feeling a bit down lately.   I'm sure being sick has a lot to do with it.

But, I also have to admit that there are a few other things swirling around in this brain of

mine that are contributing to the rut I'm in.

As bloggers, we're pretty comfortable presenting a positive face to our readers and friends.

But, you know as well as I do that there is a whole other side to life.

Sick days.  Bad hair days.  Lonely days.  Bra-less days.

 I'm certain you don't want to read a post about them.

(And you certainly don't want photographs!) 

But, today I'm going to bare a little bit of my expat soul to you.  

  Apparently, Expatria has three evil stepsisters.  They are called Fear, Guilt and Melancholy.  

I didn't realize this before, but now I'm very well acquainted with them.

And let me just be blunt.  They are major bitches. 

So, I'm just going to call them out and expose them for what they are

My hope is that it will not only benefit me to get it off my chest,

but that maybe you can relate and not feel so alone on your bad days.  

I'm afraid that when I go home, everything will have changed so much that some connections and comforts will be lost forever. 

I'm sad because I miss my family and friends so much every day.  Some days it's almost unbearable. 

I feel guilty because I moved so far away from my daughter.  Children are supposed to leave the nest, not parents. 

I'm afraid that when I go home, everyone will think that I've changed too much and they will feel like they don't know me.  Or like me.

I'm sad because I spend so much time alone now. 

I feel guilty because I don't work hard enough to keep the connections strong with people that  love but live far away from. 

I'm afraid people think I'm an obnoxious braggart when I talk about traveling and that they don't realize how thankful I am for this time in my life.

I feel sad that friends and family don't know how much I love them and that I think about them all the time. 

I feel guilty because I don't know if I ever want to live in the US again.

I'm afraid that I'm going to get a phone call that will stop my heart and I won't be able to be where I need to be fast enough.

I'm afraid that the price I will have to pay for becoming an expat will be much higher than I expected.

I'm afraid that in spite of a wonderful life and numerous opportunities, I will never become the woman that I've always wanted to be. 

See.  Aren't they awful?   Fear is definitely the ringleader.  (Such a bitch.)

But, I've decided to stop giving them so much leeway and control over my life.

I shall use their powers for good instead of evil. 

These feelings are all very real to me.  I feel guilt.  I'm afraid.  I'm sometimes sad.

But, I don't really want them to go away.  They help me to remember what is important in life.

I'm also grateful. Happy. Content.  And I'm so excited by what the future holds.

How about you?  Any evil stepsisters lurking about and whispering dark secrets in your ear?

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