Did you guys know that I talk to you? I do, all the time. Mostly in my head, but even sometimes out loud. Whenever something is really good or even really bad, I automatically start writing you a blog post. I’m usually pretty good about picking and choosing which ones I actually share with you. (I don’t want you to know just how deep the crazy goes.)
But this is one rant that will no longer be denied. I’ve got an amazing new blog design in the works (ohemgee wait until you see it!!) and I don’t want to muck it up with the ugliness that I’m about to throw down. (I can't believe I just said throw down.) I think we should just get this one out of the way. So, if you are easily offended or if you actually know me in real life, you might want to look away. There will be adult language and gestures.
Can we please just talk about the bullsh*t that is public transport?
Disclaimer: I mostly love the public transport system in the UK. It is extensive and the fact that it moves millions of people from point A to points XY and Z is amazing. I couldn’t do without it. It really is remarkable.
BUT.
Here are some of the things that really suck about public transport.
First off, it is such a frickin’ effort!
It takes forever to get anywhere. You have to make sure you have proper access. Then you have to take a look at the bowl of spaghetti that is the London tube or bus map and figure out where the hell you’re going. It takes a degree to get that far. Any route you pick still includes at least a mile of walking in the rain. (Which is why I’ve stopped styling my hair. Why bother?) And there are all of these crazy secrets, like which stations are the best and require the least walking or have the least stairs or which carriage is the best to use to avoid a long walk at the other end. (Yes, for me it is all about reducing my steps. Don’t judge.)
Second, there is no trunk or glove box to put your sh*t in!
I traveled two n’ a half hours today back from a business trip lugging 47 pounds of luggage. (Yes, I weighed it.) And now I can’t lift my arms high enough to get the wine glass to my mouth. I’m using a crazy straw, People. And that’s not just getting on and off the bus or train. NooOooOo. That’s getting on and off four frickin’ times, up and down stairs and escalators, along never endless corridors and trying to mind the damn gap. Not to mention swiping my travel card (after digging it out of my purse with my teeth) to get through the gates holding that 47 pounds of sh*t and not getting injured.
Third, it’s just not comfortable!
Okay, I admit I can be a bit of a Princess from time to time. (I’m practising for 50 when I get to be a full-on Diva all the time. Be afraid. Be very afraid.) But, it’s just not comfy and even at times… icky. Usually you are standing up and, I swear, the drivers are trying to see how many people they can throw from the vehicle. I’ve strained muscles trying to just stay upright. And then there are all the cooties. You have to hold on for dear life to these metal poles or sit on these cloth seats. And you can just imagine if they brought in one of those CSI lamps like they use on those hotel exposes. It just gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it, so I’ll move on quickly.
Finally, there are… OTHER PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!!!
I have a confession. Sometimes, people just annoy the sh*t out of me. I’ve seen people adults pick their nose, suck their thumbs, pick their teeth and then eat it, pick a scab and then smell their finger, clip their nails, get to second base… all sorts of crazy stuff. It’s like they think they are invisible. It’s all I can do not to curl up in the fetal position and suck MY thumb. They are always in a much bigger hurry and you are really just in the way. And oh my gawd, don’t even get me started on the frickin’ headphones with music so loud you can hear it over the train. And it’s never Michael Buble? WTH? And then there are the people yelling never ending, unbelievable conversations into their cell phones. They say the most stupid sh*t! It’s usually in a language I don’t understand, but when it is in English every other word seems to be “f*ckin’” or “innit.” And can I just put this out there? If you are having a fag outside with your mate, don’t stand on either side of the frickin’ door! I have actually had to duck under a cloud of smoke to get into a train station.
::deep cleansing breath::
::deep cleansing gulp of wine from crazy straw::
Right. So, I actually feel much better. (Don't mind the eyelid twitching.)
If you’ve read this far then you are a brave soul or possibly a psychology major. I appreciate you allowing me this crazy tirade. It really all had to be said.
I promise that tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programming. I’m working on the Switzerland/Austria recaps and I promise to bring you raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. (But, let’s face it. Roses have thorns and kittens have hairballs… and litter boxes.)
Do you want to hear something funny? The other day when I was having a little princess moment, TE turned to me straight faced and with is dry, British humor said the following….
Ah. I see you’ve deployed the Princess Bubble.
Isn’t that hysterical? And so true! I can be such a nightmare sometimes.
Have you deployed your Princess Bubble lately?
Xoxo
Selena
p.s. You can't be offended by the pictures in this post. It's art. From a museum garden in Zurich. And wasn't it less offensive that I used asterisks rather than vowels in all the curse words? No?
