Good, now
that I have your attention.
I’m
afraid that I must interrupt this cruise review for a very important post. Ya’ll know that every once in a while I’ll
post an observational rant on various topics.
I find it very cathartic. And my therapist agrees.
Well,
I have another one rattling around in the brain and I can’t relax until this is
written. Today’s topic is shoes. (You thought it was something else didn’t
you? You’ve been reading mediocre,
mainstream erotica again, haven’t you? )
If you
know me well, you know that I have a deep and abiding relationship with
shoes. I love shoes. Love, as in love. Really. Love. Shoes.
One
time I even had a little wine party for a bunch of my girlfriends. Did we play fun drinking games or watch male
dancers? Nope. We actually got out all of my shoes, piled
them into the middle of the floor and played with them. Best party ever!
One
time I even had a little wine party for a bunch of my girlfriends. Did we play fun drinking games or watch male
dancers? Nope. We actually got out all of my shoes, piled
them into the middle of the floor and played with them. Best party ever!
You
can imagine how hard it was for me to leave behind several pairs when we
moved. I’m slowly increasing that number
again.
However, the replacements are very different. In Texas, sandals, flip, flops, heels, and wedges were the usual. In London, it’s all about the boots and flats. And if you value your feet, you will cover them up on public transport. So, I haven’t been wearing fun shoes since we moved here. I even visited a sporting goods store the other day and purchased shoes especially made for walking. (As if this was ever a consideration before.)
However, the replacements are very different. In Texas, sandals, flip, flops, heels, and wedges were the usual. In London, it’s all about the boots and flats. And if you value your feet, you will cover them up on public transport. So, I haven’t been wearing fun shoes since we moved here. I even visited a sporting goods store the other day and purchased shoes especially made for walking. (As if this was ever a consideration before.)
"Most women prefer a trip to hell in high heels than to walk flat-heeled to heaven."
- William A. Rossi
On the cruise I tried to wear heels for the first time in 6 months. I looked like a one year old learning to walk. Can’t you picture me wobbling from table to couch to ottoman? After a gin & tonic, people were stopping to see if they could assist. I leaned heavily on TE everywhere we went and even made him take me as far as the Ladies Room door. It was so sad. I used to do just about anything in pumps. But that time is no more. Please join me for a moment of silence.
But,
that wasn’t the most embarrassing shoe moment of the cruise. I had purchased the cutest pair of nude
pumps. I call them my Kate Middleton’s. I was so excited to wear them on formal
night. I put them on and toddled through
the cruise ship. We went to dinner, had
some photographs taken. I was rockin’
the nude pumps. Well, not exactly rockin’
them. It was more of an ankle-quaking
shuffle, but still.
So, I’m
standing against the counter at customer service while TE is taking care of
something. And this man comes up to
me. He’s attractive and he leans his
head in close. I think he even rested
his hand on the small of my back. And in some sexy,
European accent he said to me. “Your
shoes are beautiful.” I glanced at TE
and smiled at the mysterious man. I didn’t
say it but I was thinking, “I know! I’m
so rockin’ these Kate’s!”
So he
then raised his eyebrow and in that low, heavily accented voice, “I
congratulate you on your wonderful purchase.”
I thought maybe he was a man who either wears heels or just appreciates a
nice pair when he sees ‘em. I’m standing
a little bit taller. It’s like riding a
bike, you never really forget how to walk in heels. Pfft.
See, I so got this! He then adds “But,
(dramatic pause) you left the price tags on the bottom of them.”
You
know when the sounds all around you come to a screeching halt and you’re left
with that awkward silence? And you feel
like a spotlight is shining on your face?
And you wish the floor would swallow you up? That.
I
thanked him for this information and he walked off to whisper to his wife about
the crazy lady with the price tags on her shoes. Luckily, I couldn’t understand what they were
saying. I waited until they were out of
sight and nonchalantly looked down at the bottom of my shoes. In my imagination, I was hoping to see a red swath
of color indicating my true station in life.
But, alas… instead, on the bottom of each shoe was a big, honkin’, black and white sticker.
M&S
£20.00
Are
you feeling my pain, ladies? It was so embarrassing. (For my US friends, M&S is a UK department store... imagine Sears.)
However,
there is one minor consolation to this moment.
Under the price of my shoes was this.
Size 5.5
Ha! When I moved to the UK, I dropped two shoe
sizes! How cool is that? A US 7.5 is a UK 5.5. (I won’t mention to you that when it comes to
clothing, I gained two sizes. That would just
be too much to bear.)
And
answer me this. Why are men so touchy when it comes to
shoes? Here are my standard shoe related responses
for TE. I just keep them in constant rotation.
“A new outfit always, always includes new shoes. It’s the rule.”
“I know it’s only 7 days. But, I’m not even sure that 16 pairs will be
enough.”
“So what if you only have 4
pairs. That’s your problem. Go buy some more.”
“Don’t talk to me about suitcase
weight limits. Your one shoe weighs as
much at two pairs of mine.”
“No, I will not give you 5 quid for every pair that I take and don’t wear. It’s none of your business.”
“Yes, they do hurt my feet and
force us to stop every 45 minutes. But,
they are way cute so get over it.”
And
lastly, I must share with you something that I’m very concerned about. Now, remember, I’ve been in London so I haven’t
seen a lot of feet lately. But, on the cruise,
in the ports and in the Rome airport I was extremely alarmed by some of the
things that I saw. Namely, the number of women that are wearing shoes that are
way too small for them. Here are some of
the basic signs.
The Overhang
This
was the most common offense. Women with
sandals so small that the toes actually hang off the front of the shoe. When buying shoes, you should stand up in
those shoes and look down. If you can’t
see at least a millimeter of that shoe in front of your longest toe, then they
are too small. If I were to take a blade
and cut off the top quarter inch of your shoe and at least an inch of toe would
come off with it, then your shoe is too small.
Imagine the sole of your shoe as a lovely frame for your foot.
The
Claw
This
is a more extreme version of the Overhang.
If your shoe strap breaks but you don’t miss a beat, because your toes
are actually gripping the front of that shoe to hold it on, then your shoe is
way too small. If you can wiggle your
toes and feel the tile floor beneath your feet, it’s too small.
The
Loose Piggy
If
the top of your foot is covered with a strap and all of your toes are snuggled
in nicely under said strap with the exception of your little piggy toe which is
wiggling off in the other direction all by itself, then this shoe is not for
you. This one is not only offensive but
dangerous for the poor little lone piggy.
The
Stuffed Wedge
I
love wedges. They are so cute and comfy. But, they also tend to tilt you
forward so that all of your weight is pushing into the tip of that wedge. If this pressure starts squirting your toes
out of the front of your shoes like a tube of toothpaste, don’t wear them.
The
Creepy Long-necked Turtle
Peep
toe shoes are supposed to be sexy, right?
A little 40’s Hollywood glamour.
A sassy peek of some candy apple red nail polish. The keyword here is Peep. If your entire big toe sticks out of
that sweet, little bow-clad opening at the front of your shoe, then you shouldn’t
be wearing that shoe. I was reluctant to
even mention this one, because it’s so extreme.
If I hadn’t have seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. If you can’t picture it, then google “creepy
long-necked turtle.”
And
this is just a few of the offenses that I saw. I became so alarmed at the Rome airport that I
actually did a scientific count while waiting in line. I looked at the feet of the 10 women standing
nearest me and 6 of the 10 were wearing shoes that were obviously too small for
them.
Now, Oprah
has raised awareness about the alarming number of women who are wearing too
small bras. And now I feel we must also
address the number of women wearing too small shoes.It’s tragic really and, I’m afraid, even epidemic. So, please help me spread the word.
We
should all embrace my favorite line from Steel Magnolias, delivered perfectly
by my idol, the incomparable Dolly Parton. When asked what size shoe she wore, she purred...
“I wear a 6, but a 7 feels so
good that I buy an 8.”
So yes, in fact, size does matter. Let's all work together to end this senseless abuse of our precious feet.
Seo Min Hyun once said “For women, shoes are the most important. Good shoes take you good places.” Wear good shoes, ladies.
Seo Min Hyun once said “For women, shoes are the most important. Good shoes take you good places.” Wear good shoes, ladies.
xoxo
Selena
